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Sun, 25 Mar 2012
Life Knowledge from one so young. How Jimmy Tended the Baby !

DODIES DREAM WORLD

LIFE KNOWLEDGE ......... HOW JIMMY TENDED THE BABY

         Older Brother I never could see the use of babies.  We have one at our house that belongs to mother, and she thinks everything of it.  All it can do is to cry, and pull hair and kick.  It hasn't half the sense of my dog, and can't even chase a cat.  Mother and Sue wouldn't have a dog in the house, but they are always going on about the baby, and saying : "Isn't it perfectly sweet ?"

          The worse thing about a baby is, that you're expected to take care of him, and then get scolded afterwards. Folks say : "Here, Jimmy, just hold baby a minute, there's a good boy" and then, as soon as you have got it, they say : "Don't do that ! Just look at him ! That boy will kill the child ! Hold it up straight, you good-for-nothing little wretch !"

          It's pretty hard to do your best, and then be scolded for it ; but that is the way boys are treated.  Perhaps after I'm dead, folks will wish that they had done differently.

          Last Saturday mother and Sue went out to make calls, and told me to stay at home and take care of the baby. There was a football match, but what did they care for that !  They didn't want to go to it, and so it made no difference whether I went to it or not.  They said they would be gone only a little while, and if the baby waked up, I was to play with it, and keep it from crying, and be sure not to let it swallow any pins."  Of course I had to do it.

          The baby was sound asleep, when they went out ; so I left it just a few minutes, while I went to see if there was any pie in the pantry.

          If I was a woman, I wouldn't be so dreadfully suspicious as to keep everything locked up. When I got back upstairs again, the baby was awake, and was howling like he was full of pins. So I gave him the first thing that came handy, to keep him quiet.  It happened to be a bottle of French polish, with a sponge on the end of a wire, that Sue uses to black her boots, because girls are too lazy to use a regular brush.Baby was sleeping

          The baby stopped crying as soon as I gave him the bottle, and I sat down to read a paper.  The next time I looked at him, he'd got out the sponge, and about half his face was jet black.  This was a nice fix, for I knew nothing could get the black off his face, and when mother came she would say the baby was spoiled, and I had done it.  Now I think an all-black baby is ever so much more stylish than an all-white baby, and when I saw that he was part black, I made up my mind that if I blacked it all over it would be worth more than it had ever been, and perhaps mother would be ever so pleased. So I hurried up and gave it a good coat of black.

          You should have seen how that baby shined ! The polish dried as soon as it was put on, and I just time to get baby dressed again, when mother and Sue came in.  I wouldn't lower myself to repeat their unkind language .  When you've been called a murdering little villain, and an unnatural son, it will rankle in your heart for ages.  After what they had said to me I didn't seem to mind father, but went upstairs with him almost as if I was going to bed, or something that didn't hurt much.

          The baby is beautiful and shiny, though the doctors say it will wear off in a few years.  Nobody shows any gratitude for all the trouble I took, and I can tell you it isn't easy to black a baby without getting it into his eyes and hair.  I sometimes think it is hardly worth while to live in this cold and unfeeling world.                   

ANON.

What a fantastic piece of writing, so funny I couldn't stop laughing, poor baby. Poor innocent young man. Innocent

Posted 16:18

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